Exes and Oh's

Somehow, quite unintentionally, Asher had ended up at what was possibly the most dangerous place for him to be right now. Still, he had to give himself some kudos for doing as well as he was right now. Skilfully, he had dodged the difficult questions as to why he wasn’t drinking. Either they thought he had an actual problem, or that he was one of those pretentious people who went on a ‘cleanse’ every so often. He wasn’t sure which one he would find worse. The blonde behind the bar had given him a knowing, almost pitiful smile when he had requested a ginger ale to go along with the beer, wine, and cocktails that all his colleagues were having tonight. And, for the first time in his life, he did learn that it absolutely sucked to be the only sober person in the room.

But he did do all the things that were expected of anyone in this situation. Make meaningless conversation, crack jokes, complain of mundane things such as mortgages and the day-to-day struggle of having children. Not that he knew much about his own in the first place, but he spoke of them as if he saw them every single day. He supposed it was easier that way. If they knew the truth, he was sure they would think less of him. Personally, he did not mind much, but he firmly believed that such a development would make his time at QCL significantly more difficult. So, he sipped his ginger ale and played pretend.

As the evening progressed, the bar slowly filled up with more and more people. He could hear laughter and the clinking of glasses. Sounds most typical for a bar, but to him it was a reminder of what he was missing out on. He had half a mind to lick the spilled beer right off of the counter. Most of the faces that entered the bar were unknown to him, which was probably a good sign, but one of them hit him like a ton of bricks. He hadn’t seen her in quite some time. Not since he… Asher took in a deep breath, reaching over to nervously rub his temple as he tried to make up his mind. Should he talk to her? Ignore her? What was there left to say? I’m sorry? I’m still in love with you? In an effort to keep himself busy, he started tearing up some poor carton coaster. Eventually, he could no longer bear the tension, so he excused himself and went over… to the bar. Instead of buying himself a drink, though, he ordered one for her. A sex on the beach, which he thought she’d enjoy, before realizing that it might sound a tad suggestive. The bartender served it to her anyway, and Asher found himself sheepishly smiling in Skaði’s general direction.

One drink would not fix everything had done to her. A lifetime of apologizing wouldn’t be enough to do that. Asher wasn’t even sure what he wanted from her tonight. He supposed it would be a little strange not to acknowledge her existence. After all, she had been the most important person in his life for quite some time. But what sort of acknowledgement would suffice? A nod and a smile? A fleeting ‘hey’ while they passed each other in this crowded bar? An actual conversation?

While he ordered the drink for her, he still wasn’t sure. Talking to her may just ruin his night. Not that it had been very interesting or memorable thus far, something that definitely may change if he were to talk to her instead. But lately, everything had been alright. Not quite good yet, but okay. He wasn’t looking forward to reopening old wounds, or even worse: falling back into old, dysfunctional patterns.

However, as was often the case, he ignored his better judgment. The drink arrived at its destination, which earned him a faint but very rewarding smile. His own grew more genuine, too. Still, he wasn’t sure about what to do next. A few seconds passed before he decided to walk over to her, not really sure where he even wanted all of this to lead. He joined her at the bar, staying on his feet just in case he would need to make a quick escape. Asher turned his body towards her, leaning one arm onto the bar. “Didn’t expect to run into you tonight,” he commented. She looked different, but in a good way. Not like the woman whose heart he had shattered into a thousand pieces. He supposed he had changed as well. He looked better these days; healthier and more put-together. “You look well.” A stark contrast from the last time they’d spoken to one another.

Just seeing her made him feel like a proper asshole. And, truth be told, he was. Asher did not really feel a need to recount all the ways in which he had wronged her, because there were undoubtedly too many. While he couldn’t really see that at the time, he looked back on it with plenty of shame and guilt. Sometimes he wished there was a way to make up for all that he had done to her, but he figured that just paying his alimony on time and leaving her be would be the best way to do just that.

Frankly, he was somewhat surprised she was reacting so calmly to his presence. Part of him would have expected her to yell or cuss at him, but she didn’t even look angry right now. Maybe she had made peace with all that had happened, or maybe she just didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of a crowded bar. Or maybe she had found someone else with whom she was actually happy, which was a thought he greatly disliked for some reason. Despite being broken up for nearly a year and having dated other people himself, he loathed picturing her with someone else.

She pointed out that he could’ve expected her here, to which he nodded. “You’re right, I could’ve,” he said, and he probably should’ve, but she had quit working here back when they were still together. In his head, things were still mostly the same. He shrugged in response to her question. “I’m doing okay,” he truthfully told her. Nothing spectacular there. “Been focusing on myself. Got a job at the university and it’s going alright.” He wondered whether she actually wanted to know, or whether this was all a pleasantry. “How about you?” More than anything, he wanted to ask about Rosie, but he almost felt guilty about doing so.

Asher figured he should keep it brief. There was little use in spending hours upon hours chatting with her. It would only lead to the resurfacing of unresolved feelings, which was the last thing he wanted to do. His life was alright for once. Not especially exciting, but it was simple and manageable. No alcohol-binges, no sleeping around, no explosive arguments with girlfriends. Just him in his apartment, heading off to work every single day.

And, for now, he should probably keep it that way. No interference of exes that would undoubtedly stir things up for him again. But be as it may, it was hard for him to tear himself away from her now. He felt a need to pry into her life at least a little bit. Find out how Rosie was doing, and whether Skaði herself was currently seeing someone else.

He lifted a brow. “Your old place?” he repeated in a somewhat distasteful manner. “You mean that shady crack den of yours?” He sure as hell hoped not, because it wouldn’t only be Skaði living there. It would be his very own daughter as well. She started off, saying that she had been looking at bigger places. It wasn’t difficult to figure out why she had failed, though. Renting a place in London on a bartender’s salary was damn-near impossible, especially with her having another mouth to feed. “You know, I could help out if you need it…” he started off, already knowing that she would be too stubborn to accept his money. But he’d make her swallow her pride before he would allow Rosie to live in a place with cracked windows and no central heating.

Of course, he felt terribly about all of it. He could’ve given both Skaði and Rosie the life they deserved if he had wanted to. Their home in Gerrard’s Cross, with the room they had hand-painted together for their baby girl. With the indoor pool, the home gym, and the massive garden she would be able to play in every single summer. A safe neighbourhood, a forest close by, and a great school for his daughter to attend. In a way, he had robbed her of all of it by doing what he’d done.

Him mentioning her old place clearly ticked her off. He raised a sceptical brow when she assured him it really wasn’t that shady. He would beg to differ, but there was no use in saying it. She’d made up her mind already, and trying to argue with her would only make things worse. He softly hummed. “If you say so.” He knew that there was no reaching her anyway.

But he could offer his help, even if he knew that she would decline. He wasn’t sure why she was so hesitant to accept it. He could imagine that she wanted to fend for herself, but he wasn’t paying Skaði as much as he was just trying to provide for his daughter. She told him she’d fixed up the place a little bit. He didn’t expect much of it, but he nodded anyway. “Good,” he muttered, trying to hide the fact that he wasn’t entirely convinced. A brief pause followed, trying to muster up the courage to ask his next question. “How’s Rosie doing?” The sheer audacity of asking such a thing when he couldn’t even bring himself to be part of her life.

It was a matter of time before she would make him face the facts, namely that he was the deadbeat dad he so desperately didn’t want to be. He didn’t expect her to accept the fact that he was the cause of Rosie growing up without much of a father figure, a mistake he had made twice before now. He did not expect her to forgive him for it, either. And, of course, he had every intention of making it up to the both of them. But as the past demonstrated, his intentions did not always come to fruition in that regard.

Asking about Rosie was a little bit of a trap. He genuinely wanted to know how she was doing, but he also knew that, by asking, he was opening himself up to a shitload of scrutiny. Thus far, he found himself acting pretty agreeable. Twelve months ago, he would have given a hard time about the money, or about her shitty apartment, but now he managed to let it go. Otherwise, this might’ve turned into yet another argument.

He took in a very deep breath when she put him in his place again, nodding along a little. “That’s fair,” he said, briefly looking off in the hopes that something would be there to distract him. But there wasn’t. He locked eyes with her once again, trying to relax a little. “But I didn’t wanna come visit until I finally got my shit together.” And while he was most certainly on his way, he wasn’t sure whether he was all the way there yet. “I’m sorry I missed her birthday, though…” he then confessed, more quietly. For all intents and purposes, he should’ve been there.

Lately, he often found himself wondering what he would do once he was all ‘better’, whatever that even meant. By now, he had his life back on track for the most part. He’d quit drinking, partying, and sleeping around. He had a stable, normal, functional job. He had a great apartment and a housekeeper to help him look after it. But all of that, he had completely by himself. There was no one left to share it with. His mother was gone, his sisters no longer spoke to him, and he couldn’t really get in touch with his friends anymore, or he would run the risk of falling back into old habits. Altogether, he supposed he was quite… lonely.

But that wasn’t Skaði’s problem, he supposed. He could no longer lean on her as he’d done in the past many times, even if it was tempting to reach out to her for help. No, he was going to have to go at it alone somehow. And right now, that meant facing the facts. He had been wrong to neglect Rosie for as much as he had during the past two years, and now she was throwing all of it right back in his face. Deservedly so, he supposed, but that didn’t make it feel any more pleasant.

She was sorry, too. Asher was fairly sure that that was the worst response to an apology one could get. That you did something so terrible that other people felt sorry on your behalf. “Did she?” he asked, almost in surprise. Suddenly, he almost felt reinvigorated by that slight sliver of hope. “Maybe I could come by soon, get her a late birthday present?” A proper one to remind him by, if she even knew who he was in the first place.

Asher could hardly believe that Rosie had asked about him. She was so young still and it had been almost a year since he’d left. Maybe she hadn’t asked about him personally as much as just a general question about who or where her father was. Everyone else had one, after all. It made him feel a little guilty, but on the other hand he was quite glad he had taken a step back from all of it. He hadn’t been well as of late, and he did not want to repeat what had happened to Amelia and Audrey with Rosie.

Even now, when everything was seemingly stable again, he wasn’t sure whether it was the optimal time to reintroduce himself into Rosie’s – and thus, Skaði’s – life. He did not want to come back, only to stumble back into chaos again right after. It would only confuse Rosie and hurt her mother. But how long was he supposed to wait before he could completely trust that he was alright?

He wasn’t sure why she told him that Rosie had asked about him, only to slam that door shut again by saying that he couldn’t just walk into her life again, only to disappear afterwards. He cleared his throat, not exactly looking forward to having to defend himself. “I know, but things are better now. I’ve got a good job, I’m sober, I barely even see Jordan anymore.” Because – let’s be honest – that man was a very slippery slope. Still, he wasn’t sure whether it was all those circumstances that had led him to abandon his family, or whether it was just in his character to do so.

During the countless AA-meetings he had attended by now, he had been assured that he would be faced with temptation again and again throughout his life. It was a given, a constant, and he was going to have to deal with it somehow without reaching for alcohol or drugs. It wouldn’t be easy, and Asher was fairly sure the only reason why he had been able to stop was because he had removed virtually all stressors from his life. Skaði, Rosie, Jordan, his old job, his sisters. Anyone who could be a source of conflict for him was now gone, which made things easier, but also lonelier.

Did he want any of it back? He supposed he did, to some extent. He missed his friends, his sisters, and Skaði. But he felt as if he would just fall back into his old habits if he got in touch of any of them again. It was a slippery slope, and he wasn’t sure yet whether he could make that descent safely.

She admitted that it did sound as if he had improved, but he supposed that didn’t say much. He cocked a brow at her when she asked him a very peculiar question. Very briefly, he cracked a smile, but then shook his head. “I really shouldn’t,” he told her. Being sober was hard enough as it was. “I shouldn’t even be here, actually.” He was coming up on his ninth month of sobriety, and he didn’t want to waste all he had worked for.

His life had changed significantly ever since they had broken up. He’d been in one short-lived relationship afterwards, but it had become clear rather quickly that it wasn’t really meant to be. Besides, being single was one of the many things he desperately needed to learn how to do. These days, he was doing pretty well at it, if he said so himself. Almost so well that he wasn’t sure whether it would be a good idea to even get into a relationship again.

Especially not with Skaði. While he did still very much have feelings for her, their relationship had always been extremely volatile. For the few years that they’d been dating, they had been on and off continuously, constantly fighting and making up again. He had no use for that same kind of instability.

She asked him why he was here, after which he motioned to the group of people behind him. “Having a drink with some colleagues of mine,” he answered. It wasn’t anything like the wild nights out he was used to, but that was probably for the best. “But I think most of them will be heading off soon.” Which probably meant that he should think about leaving as well. It wasn’t a good idea for him to be alone at a bar.

His steady decline had been in the works for decades, so it would be a little naïve to think that a new job and a few months’ worth of AA-meetings would suffice to repair all the damage done over the years. While he certainly felt like he was doing better than ever before, he hadn’t even done as much as go to therapy. All the deep-rooted character flaws from before were still very much there, completely untended to. Honestly, all he had truly done up until now was avoid every source of stress and conflict very successfully.

And that was no guarantee that things would be better now. He was still very much the same person. He hadn’t changed personally; all that differed from before was the environment he had placed himself in. It was sterile and safe, without much in the way of challenge. He was fairly certain that as soon as something slightly complex would introduce itself into his life again, he would be right back at square one.

Asher had no intention of staying here much longer. He was still very much in the lion’s den, and it was never a good idea to linger behind in a bar unsupervised. Skaði commented on his colleagues and Asher briefly followed her gaze, letting out a soft hum when she said they ‘looked nice’. “They are friendly,” he confirmed. “Or most of them are, at least. Some are a little… elitist.” Some came from the poshest families he could imagine, which was a little hard to deal with sometimes. “But they’re good people.” Normal people, too. Not the kind that would trick him into coming to their impulsively thrown, four-day, cocaine-fuelled party.

When would it be good enough, though? When would he consider himself ‘recovered’? It was said that an addict would never not be one, so to aim for true, full recovery was perhaps a little unrealistic. But how long would he have to be clean before he had proven to himself and others that he was fit to be a parent to Rosie? Maybe it wasn’t even the alcohol or drugs that kept him from being a decent father. Maybe there was just an inherent lack of interest, motivation, or responsibility that prevented him from doing what he had to do. Or maybe he was just a selfish asshole.

Running into her like this made him ask himself a thousand questions. But meeting up in a bar on accident was no reason to suddenly start involving himself in her life once again. It was something they would need to think about, maybe for some time. For all he knew, she was finally done with him, and his presence would only stir things up for her again.

She asked him about his colleagues, and he elaborated for a bit. He nodded, then weakly smiled when she said she was happy for him. He was fairly sure that was never true in the case of an ex-boyfriend, but he decided not to challenge it. Then, he asked a question out of personal curiosity. “So, have you been seeing anyone lately?” he asked after a brief silence. And while they had been broken up for nearly a year now, he still hoped that the answer would be no.

The dreaded question, had she been seeing anyone as of late? It was unfair to hope that the answer was ‘no’, but he supposed he was a little jealous that way. Then again, he didn’t think anyone would be glad to see that their ex was moving on successfully. It was always a blow to the ego. One he would gladly suffer for some clarity. Maybe he was even feeling out whether he still had a chance with her or not, even if he knew very well that it was for the best that it was finally over between the two of them.

Instead of answering his question, however, she turned it around. But for him, it was a question answered easily. He shook his head. There hadn’t been anyone lately. Just his brief stint with Bella, not too long after Skaði and he had broken up. He had liked her a lot, but their ‘relationship’ had been terribly short-lived. Not that he regretted it. After all, he had his current job partially because of her.

He then raised a somewhat surprised brow when she said she had a date tomorrow. On her birthday. Oh, right. For a few seconds, he was quiet, not sure what the appropriate reaction to this would be. “Oh.” He looked at her a little sheepishly, trying to figure out what he wanted to do with this information. For some reason, he felt the need to do something about it. To interfere in her happiness. “Well, good for you. I hope you’ll have a good time,” he said. But he didn’t. He hoped she would have a terrible time and would be thinking of him instead. “Think I’m gonna go outside for a smoke.” He desperately needed one right now.