My worst mistakes haunt me

Well, as one mistake would lead to another, she was now making her way through the city, again. While she still had tons of work to do - because she still needed to catch up on a lot of learning - it wasn’t possible anymore for her to keep herself sane between the four walls of her bedroom, and she needed to get out. And she could just continue with what she was doing while drinking a coffee, right? Just as long as it wasn’t in her dorm room, because that place had started to become incredibly boring. Not that boring was wrong, as in this case it wasn’t, but a chance of scenery really felt like something she needed. And so she had taken everything with her as she was making her way over to a little coffee place.

When she walked inside she didn’t immediately notice anything wrong with the place, no, she just straight up walked towards a free spot in one of the corners. One that seemed quiet enough. Not even taking the change to look around that much, which she probably should have done. Quite honestly, she didn’t even know why she didn’t. It was only after she had taken out her book that she took the time to look around and.. Wait, wasn’t there something familiar about the man standing behind.. Ohh. ”Fuck.” She quickly responded, but luckily she had been on time, realising that she had to keep her voice down. As fast as she could she dropped her book back into her bag and a little hasty she got back up from her seat. She tried very hard not to actually start running outside, but it almost looked like she did as there was suddenly a lot of speed in her walk. But it didn’t turn out to be a very smart move as she bumped shoulders with someone on her way out, who dropped his bag. It made her turn slightly and in that short moment caused her to lock eyes with the person she was running from. Fuck! Without even apologizing to the man with whom she bumped shoulders, she quickly opened the door and moved out.  

It didn’t take her too long to realize who it was, standing behind the counter where people would be able to take their orders. She knew him, maybe a little too well, as she had never been able to forget a face. And certainly not when it came down to people she had been close with. Which was definitely the case here. But it was the reason why, and mostly how, she left him that made her fall into a sudden state of panic. Not knowing how fast she had to get out of that place, something that showed as she so frantically started packing her things, leaving the coffee place before she ever had the chance to order something.

And it was due to her hasty exit that she had forgotten to take her umbrella with her, but it was too late to turn back now. No, she had to get away. But then she heard his voice as he apparently had gone outside as well. His words made her want to start running, for real this time, yet the tone in which he said them made her want to stop. Which was something she - surprisingly - did. The rain was pouring, and within no time her long brown hairs were starting to get soaked. For a moment she closed her eyes before slowly turning around to look at him, not knowing what she had to say. And she couldn’t help but feel confronted by possibly one of the biggest mistakes she ever made. She could still very well remember the day she packed her bags, with his money, and left. ”I.. I know you probably won’t believe me.. But I’m sorry.” She said, her voice full of emotion, mostly panic. But dammit, she wasn’t able to deal with this, not now. ”I.. I didn’t..” She tried, not finishing her sentence, but she turned back to the one thing she was actually good at.. Running.

So she turned around again, trying to walk away as fast as she could.

It was the truth, she had always been the one to run away, she knew that. And quite honestly, she didn’t think that would ever change. When she left him - with most of his money - she had been on the run as well, and while she knew she had her reasons for it back then, it still didn’t make it right. Truth be told, it wasn’t surprising her if he hated her for what she had done. Not only because she had stolen his money, but there had been some certain feelings involved.. Now, she would also be lying if she told him she never felt shitty about what she did, because it had weighed on her quite a lot after it happened. However, that wasn’t something she expected him to believe.

Which was one of the reasons why she wanted to run away again, next to the reason that this was hurting her as well, because of the guilt she felt. She was perfectly aware of how fucked up it had been. But, again, his words were able to make her stop. It almost made her hate the fact that he wasn’t mad at her, or that she was trying to run away again. Not sure. It took her some time before she decided to turn around again, but only looking at him made her realize what she had lost. It hadn’t been all that bad, none of it actually. Except for the fact that she had fucked everything, and all because she had been too afraid to let him help her. If only.. If only she had trusted him, maybe things could have been different. And maybe she wouldn’t have been in this situation either. Words fell short, she didn’t know how to respond to what he had just said. It didn’t, it hadn’t been able to get her out, that was the problem. Yet, she did manage to breathe out, after which she pointed her eyes into a different direction. Which probably told him enough on its own. Not even giving any single fucks about the pouring rain anymore, it almost felt as if she heavens were crying with her, even if she didn’t show any tears, yet.

Yes, a big part of her still wanted to run away right now, to never come back to this coffee shop, so she never had to deal with him - but mostly her own emotions - again. She didn’t think he would be capable of forgiving her for what she had done, however, it was also because she wasn’t able to forgive herself for it. The fact that he seemed so calm surprised her, as she expected hate to be thrown in her direction. It was what she would have done, probably. But the most important reason as to why she stopped, and stayed, was mainly because she knew that if she walked again now, it still wouldn’t be able to leave her alone. And, yes, she would be running, again. But running hadn't helped her so far.

And she still owed him an explanation, that too. Her eyes quickly moved back when he muttered something, shaking his head afterwards. Then he went on telling her that he wasn’t mad anymore, that he just wanted to talk. Somehow it still felt a bit strange, and truth be told, she didn’t know if she had to believe him. However, after taking another deep breath, she actually found the courage to go inside. Which was a big step forward for her, for sure. Very carefully she walked up to him, her steps not showing the same confidence as usual. However, instead of stepping inside, she stopped in front of him and kept looking at him. ”You’re not mad? How? How can you not be mad?” She asked him, as she needed to know. It was something she found impossible to believe, so yes, before she would step inside, this was something she wanted him to tell her.

There had to come a moment in which she would decide to stop running, and she had no idea that this would become that moment, but well, it did. Quite frankly, she was done with it, and she had never liked doing it anyway. But even if she was able to stop running away right now, it still didn’t mean that she wouldn’t do it again in the future. Why? Well, simple, because Ally wasn’t able to control herself, she was someone who was letting her emotions and fear control her actions, instead of the other way around. It made her very undependable, something Thijs knew all too well.

Still, it wasn’t just the fact that she had robbed him for which she felt some guilt, she wished that had been the case because that would have made this less hard. Or well, maybe not that hard at all. But they had been together for quite some time, and she knew he cared about her back then. There had been some feelings involved, and truth be told, she had felt the same about him in return. When she stood in front of him and he casually placed his hands in his pockets, it actually didn’t surprise her to see he still had his nonchalant dutch attitude. ”Alright..” She softly muttered after his words, trying to make sense of it. But well, it was way more than she could have hoped for, she knew that. And for a moment she felt a little wave of emotion coming over her, also knowing it was more than she deserved from him. Her eyes fell down to the floor, as she always did when she tried to hide those emotions from him. Something that hadn’t changed at all. ”I’ll pay you back..” She muttered again, even if she knew she wasn’t capable of doing that. But, maybe one day, she would. ”If you give me some time.. I..” With some bravery she was able to look back up again, softly biting her lip, thereby also letting him know that she didn’t have it easy.

Well, quite frankly, Ally didn’t know if he ever called the cobs on her, but looking at him now almost told her enough. She didn’t think he had done it. Besides, for that kind of money, the cobs might have found her if he did. Ofcourse she had been careful when she ran away, and she had done her best to disappear for a long while. Trying very hard not to divest any attention to herself, not even in the new city where she made her next home. But they never came looking for her. Which always made her wonder.. Did she hide herself too well? Or was it because of the fact that he never called them for it..

If it really was that last answer, it kinda made her feel way more guilty about it. And it made her feel sick that she had done this to him, given the fact that he had been far too good for her, certainly for what she deserved. Yet, it also made her realize what she had thrown away, because he clearly wasn’t anything like most assholes she had dated. So, it was mostly a loss on her side of things. But he did seem surprised when she mentioned that she was going to pay him back.. Eventually. By now her guilt made her feel obligated. His question made her breath in, deeply. ”No.. Not anymore.” She said, which meant she had still been in it. However, she wasn’t sure if it was any better now, which was clearly written on her face, somehow. Back then she had still been able to go and do whatever she wanted, to a certain limit of course, but now she was basically owned by someone who she - again - owed a lot of money. And the thing was, she still didn’t know what she had to do to pay him back.